you never forget a first love

it's been fifteen months and every now and then i catch myself thinking about him. wondering what he is doing and if he ever thinks of me. i don't really have a way to talk to him, to facebook stalk him, to see how he's doing. The only thing i have is a notification saying he's signed into skype. A notification i can't bring myself to delete, to block, to ignore. My heart starts pounding as i try to talk myself into ignoring it, into signing off of skype and doing something else.

I've talked to guys since him. I've been really interested in other guys and as much as i talk to one i still think about him. not getting back together with him, not spending the rest of my life with him, not even seeing him. i think about talking to him, just being friends. maybe looking for more closure. more comfort in knowing that he doesnt hate me or regret anything, maybe an apology.

it's hard falling, truly falling for someone and then getting everything torn out from under you, twice.

it's hard losing someone, someone you cared about, and invested so much into. it would be easier if he had died and i couldn't do anything but wish. Now I sit and wish and know that i can't do anything because he wont accept it... that's the hardest part.